


Change

by Poteto



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of attempted suicide, secret santa gift, sort of Hoshi no Utau AU, srlsy tho, yaaay merry Christmas y'all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9016498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poteto/pseuds/Poteto
Summary: The world doesn't stop regardless of the hardships you go through. Daichi slowly learns to accept that. And then he starts moving again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Aand this is my Secret Santa gift for @toorutoast!! Merry Christmas!! Happy suffering!! In all honesty, I'm more a fluff and humor kind of gal, but you said you liked angst, so I decided to give it a try???? And then I got carried away and ended up with this massive healing fic???? Ahaha srsly, sorry for this getting so long. I just got too excited as I wrote. The next chapters will come on the next days!! I hope you enjoy reading!

They always say he has to worry about the future. That he has to run and run and struggle and fight so he assures the bright, safe future everyone _knows_ he’s going to achieve. Even though everyone is quick to build expectations and even quicker to tell him how smart and how handsome he is and how much potential he has, Sawamura Daichi isn’t so sure.

Of course not. How is he supposed to plan for the future when he sees nothing aside from a very miserable present?

“You haven’t chosen a University yet, Sawamura-kun? You should hurry,” the teacher says, as she mindlessly runs her eyes through Daichi’s file.

He mutters something that doesn’t sound promising. His teacher sighs.

“Last year, you were part of the volleyball club, weren’t you? Why did you quit? Not being in any clubs is bad for your curriculum. If you just stayed until the next tournament, you could retire like the rest of the third years. You have to think things through, Sawamura-kun. Your choices now will reflect on your whole adult life.”

Daichi bites his lower lip, glimpses of freckles and tears rolling over pale cheeks flashing through his memory. _Why_ , he thinks to himself, _should he choose whatever the hell about his life now?_ He’s seventeen.  He doesn’t know shit about anything. Why the hell must the stupid things they do now have severe consequences for the rest of their freaking lives?

The teacher waits. Daichi still doesn’t say anything.

“Sawamura-kun, I’m worried about you.”

She does sound very upset. He bites his lower lip, because he doesn't want to trouble anyone. He just wants to be left alone.

“I left the club because of my grades,” Daichi lies. “Practice was making me too tired to study, so I decided to quit.”

“Oh.” She falters as if she hasn’t been expecting such a perfect excuse. “Well, in that case, please pick another activity that won’t affect your studies as much. Having no extra-curricular activities whatsoever is no good. Besides, clubs are a great way of relaxing from the studies while widening your horizons.”

Again, he doesn’t give her a reply. She checks her wristwatch, frowning.

“I have an appointment soon, so I have to go, but please think about the university matter, yes? I’ll be here if you want to discuss your options.”

He stands and thanks her for her time, because he’s nothing if not polite.  

He expects to be left alone after this giant waste of time, but of course Asahi is waiting for him outside.

“How did it go?” Asahi asks.

“Shouldn’t you be at volleyball practice?”

 “We don’t have practice today. We had a super tiring practice match yesterday and the coach wanted us to take a day off. You didn’t answer my question, though.”

“Nothing happened,” Daichi says and adjusts his bag on his shoulder, turning around to leave. “She just nagged me to join a club and choose a university.”

“Actually... Suga and I talked about this.”

Daichi glares again. “Yeah? You two were having fun deciding how to fix my mess?”

This time, Asahi doesn’t back off. He just looks sad.

Daichi knows he’s being unfair. Hell, he’s being a complete asshole and he’s very aware of it, which actually makes things worse. He wishes Asahi would snap at him and tell him off or at least get angry. But he knows damn well that Asahi won’t do that, which is just frustrating.

“No, your mess is your own to clean,” Asahi says simply. “But since you need to be in a club we thought we’d give you suggestion. One of Suga’s friends is in the Astronomy club. They don’t meet often and we thought it is low key enough so you have spare time to… sort your things out.”

Asahi pulls out of his bag a subscription form and hands it to Daichi.

“Kuroo Tetsurou’s Astronomy club? Isn’t that one full of weirdos?”

“Oikawa Tooru is in it.”

“Just because Oikawa is popular doesn’t mean he’s not a giant weirdo.”

“Maybe.” Asahi sighs. “It’s just a suggestion anyway.”

After that, the two of them walk home in silence.

 

 

Regardless of all the shit he’s been through, Daichi has always been a responsible guy. He doesn’t expect a prize for it or anything, he just feels bad when he doesn’t do what’s right or when he doesn’t take responsibility for his shit. Sometimes he takes responsibility for more things than he should.

(“It’s not your fault, Sawamura,” Michimiya had said back then. “I was the one who… Just stop trying to carry the world on your shoulders, all right? This is not your cross to carry.”)

Maybe it was the way Asahi sounded when he handed over that stupid form, or the concerned looks from his former teammates. Maybe it’s just that Daichi hated having others worried about him when he was supposed to be the one taking care of them. The thing is that he felt like he owned that much to his friends, so he should at least try.

And that’s how he finds himself holding a filled form in front of the astronomy clubroom. He hesitates, unsure if he should knock. All his life he’s been part of sport clubs. Are cultural clubs any different? Do they still have a hierarchy or do they have a completely new set of rules?

“Oh? Do we have a lost kitten in here?”

Daichi jumps, startled, before he turns on his heel to meet a more or less familiar face. Kuroo Tetsurou smirks at him with his impossible hair and his droopy eyes. Daichi doesn’t know much about Kuroo, even though everyone knows the rumors about him. How he ran away from his parents’ home to live in a shitty apartment downtown with another kid. Everything about Kuroo’s appearance and everything Daichi’s heard about him yells that he’s trouble. A hellion. Someone to stay away from.

Daichi clears his throat. “Kuroo. I’m Sawamura…”

“From the volleyball club, I know,” Kuroo interrupts him. “I’ve watched you playing a couple of times. Do you need any help? I hope you’re not trying to find out the Astronomy club’s secrets. Are you?”

“What kind of secrets can the Astronomy club possibly have?”

“The secrets of the stars, of course.” Wriggling his eyebrows as if he’s just made a very witty comment, the boy walks past Daichi and opens the club door. “But if you don’t know their existence, you can’t be here to steal them. So how can I help you?”

“I actually came here to join your club.”

Kuroo stops in the middle of unlocking the club room and cocks an eyebrow up. “But you’re Sawamura from…”

“From the volleyball club? Nope. I quit.”

“Huh,” is all Kuroo says before he makes his way inside.

Daichi follows him, frowning.

The club room is simple enough: there are two old shelves with a bunch of books, instruments like an old and apparently broken astrolabe and other gizmos Daichi can’t quite name, a couple of rolled up papers that look like maps and for some reason a tea set. There is a table that occupies most of the room and there are papers scattered all over its surface. Next to the window there is a white board that has been thoroughly and artistically filled with dates of meteor showers and moon phases and some adorable doodles of stars.

“So… About me trying to join your club…” Daichi tries.

“Are you really?” Kuroo smirks and pulls a chair for him. “You don’t sound so sure about it.”

Daichi hates this guy already.

“Why would I come all the way here if I wasn’t sure?”

“I don’t know. Isn’t it pretty late to join a club?”

Daichi is starting to get impatient. “So you won’t take my subscription?”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just curious, that’s all.”

Before Daichi can say anything else, the door is kicked open and the newcomer yells:

“Kurocchi, holy fu—Oh, we have a guest?”

The infamous Oikawa Tooru. Daichi has never talked to him, but there isn’t a single person in the school that doesn’t know his name. Mr. Popular is famous for his pretty face and flirty manners, as well as his good grades. Everyone was shocked when they heard that the so full of potential Oikawa Tooru was joining the losers’ club.

“Actually, we have a newbie!” Kuroo answers. “He was just about to tell me why he’s taken interest in our honorable club.”

“My, my, aren’t you in the volleyball club? Sawamura Daichi, isn’t it?”

Daichi hesitates, taken aback. He didn’t expect Oikawa Tooru of all people to know who he is. Before he asks for an explanation, Oikawa grins and explains:

“I’m a volleyball fan.”

“Right.” Daichi sighs. “Well, I quit. Teacher told me that not being in a club was no good, so… I thought the astronomy club might be interesting.”

Oikawa and Kuroo exchange a quick glance, looking surprised. Daichi knows his sudden change is surprising. Hell, he could have stayed until Interhigh and he could have just retired with the other third years, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to stay in the volleyball club. Not after…

“What, you guys aren’t accepting members anymore?” He asks, a hint of impatience in his voice.

“No, no, that’s not it,” Kuroo says reaching for the paper in Daichi’s hands. “Anyone can join us. Welcome to the Astronomy club, Sawamura-kun.”

 

 

Besides Oikawa and Kuroo, the Astronomy club has three other members that are much shyer than their upperclassmen: a quiet second year called Akaashi Keiji, a very tall an sweet first year named Yamaguchi Tadashi and, the only girl of the club, Yachi Hitoka.

Because it’s Daichi’s first day, they decide to throw him a welcome party instead of doing the club’s regular activities, despite his protests. He finds out that Yachi is the responsible for the neat notes on the white board, since she erases them without hesitation and replaces them with a welcome message for Daichi that looks just as beautiful. Meanwhile, Akaashi makes them tea. Yamaguchi apologizes on his upperclassmen behalf as Kuroo and Oikawa argue over something Daichi doesn’t quite understand. Apparently they grab any opportunity to party for no reason.

It’s annoying and overbearing and Daichi wants to yell at them and make them behave, like he used to do in the volleyball club. Nevertheless, he holds back and endures it in silence. He doesn’t plan on staying, anyway. He only joined the club to shut up his friends and teacher. He plans on showing up for the first days just to get them to leave him alone and then he’ll just stop going. Many clubs around the school have ghost members just for the budget. Daichi thinks that Kuroo probably won’t complain about the extra funds.

“It’s a good thing you joined today, Sawamura,” Oikawa comments at some point. “Tonight is observation night.”

And then there is that. Great.

“What is observation night?"

“We meet once a week at the park to observe the stars!” Yachi explains excitedly. “Last month Kuroo-senpai got a telescope! It started to feel like an actual astronomy club and everything.”

“Are you implying that we are not a real club, Yacchan?”

The girl’s face goes scarlet. “N-n-n-no! I didn’t mean to… I w-w-was just…! I would never…!! Oh God, I’m so sorry, I’m going to resign in disgrace and there is nothing left for me but a future selling my organs on the black market and…”

“Oh my God, Yacchan, no!” Oikawa interrupts her. “Kuroo doesn’t mean anything by that. Kuroo, you ass, stop bullying Yacchan!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Kuroo chuckles, not looking apologetic at all. He pets Yachi’s hair. “I’m sorry, Yacchan, it’s just that everytime you come up with a more horrible and impossible future and I can’t resist teasing you.”

“It’s fine.” Yachi pouts. “That was rude of me, so I’m sorry too, Kuroo-senpai.”

“Well, to be fair, before the telescope we kind of were just a stargazing club,” Yamaguchi says. “But lately it has been more interesting. I’m sure you’re going to like it, Sawamura-senpai.”

Seeing the first years awkwardly trying to make him feel welcome despite Oikawa’s and Kuroo’s antics sends a sting of guilt through Daichi’s chest. He smiles at Yamaguchi, who is taller than him, but has the perfect face of a shy, nervous freshman.

“You can call me Daichi.”

“Then… Daichi-san!” Yamaguchi smiles more confidently.

“Eeeh? We can call you Daichi?” Oikawa asks. “It’s like you’re part of the family already!”

“No, you stick with Sawamura.”

“Rude!”

Kuroo starts laughing and Oikawa starts whining and Yachi and Yamaguchi try in vain to make them stop. Akaashi keeps drinking his tea as if he can’t hear any of what’s happening in the room.

Daichi wonders if this is really okay.

 

 

Later on that night, Daichi goes to their meeting. Maybe because he doesn’t want to half-ass his fake participation in the club. Maybe because Yachi took the time to make him a map so he wouldn’t have trouble finding them and she marked the meeting spot with a little star. Maybe it’s because Kuroo fucking smirked at him and asked if Daichi wouldn’t be afraid to go out in the dark. Maybe he just doesn’t want to say at home. Whatever the reason is, he goes out despite not wanting to.

It’s only temporary, he tells himself.

Daichi doesn’t usually go out at night, so he marvels at how calm and empty the streets are. It’s cold outside, so he regrets not wearing a thicker coat, but it’s manageable. Even though he decides to walk instead of taking his bike, he arrives to the park way earlier than he planned to. He thinks he’s going to have to wait for a while, but as he approaches the entrance he notices a tall figure with an unmistakable mess of black hair.

“Oh, Sawamura!” Kuroo smirks at him. “You’re early.”

“So are you.”

“Well, I’m the president. I gotta give a good example, don’t I?”

“Hm. Didn’t figure you for the responsible type.”

Kuroo gasps, “I’m hurt you think so little of me, Daichi-kun!”

“Don’t call me by my first name.”

It’s only temporary, he repeats to himself. But apparently Kuroo is just naturally annoying, so just by standing by his side Daichi feels a little irritated.

“Hey, Sawamura. Mind if I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

Kuroo laughs, “I thought so.”

Daichi waits, but the two of them just stand there in silence waiting for the others. He expected Kuroo to say something on the lines of “I’m going to ask you anyway” but it seems like Kuroo is as unpredictable as his hair.  Finally, Daichi’s curiosity gets the best of him:

“What is it?”

“Why did you join the astronomy club? I mean… really?”

Daichi takes a step back. For the first time, Kuroo isn’t smirking nor does he sound like he’s mocking. In his eyes there is nothing but genuine curiosity, but there is something about his posture that suggests he’s being careful as if he knows more than he seems to.

“What kind of question is that? I just, huh, want to see the stars and stuff.”

“Really?” Kuroo raises a brow.

“What, what kind of answer did you want?” Daichi knows he sounds too defensive, but he can’t help it. “It’s the astronomy club, what else did you expect?”

“That you heard about our extra activities, of course.”

“What kind of extra activities?”

Before Kuroo can answer, a high-pitched voice calls “I’m sorry for the wait!” and Yachi comes running towards them, closely followed by Yamaguchi.

“Kuroo.” Daichi calls. “What extra activities?”

Kuroo smirks and winks at him (who does that???) and turns to welcome the first years. Daichi guesses this is the cue to leave the subject alone – at least while they’re in front of the others – and remains quiet as Yamaguchi excitedly tells Kuroo about his last Chemistry score, for some reason.

Oikawa arrives next and Akaashi right after him. The six of them finally walk into the park.

It isn’t exactly a beautiful place. There are some trees here and there, a small lake and some picnic tables carelessly left there without any order whatsoever. Daichi is not familiar with the park, but the other club members make their way to a good, clean spot by the lake. Yachi and Kuroo each have a large garbage bag and they pick up empty cans and candy wraps all the way there.

Daichi watches as Yamaguchi helps Yachi to set a large picnic blanket on the grass while Kuroo takes a telescope from his backpack, but none of them seem to have any other instrument.

“We couldn’t afford the tripod, so it’s just the telescope,” Oikawa says, noticing Daichi questioning look.

He settles on the blanket with the others, trying to sit as far from them as the narrow space allows.

“By the way, do you still remember about Friday?” Kuroo asks.

At the mention of Friday, Daichi feels his stomach dropping.

“We can’t make it,” Yachi laments. “Yamaguchi-kun and I have extra classes. And Akaashi-kun is going to be traveling…”

“Friday is an important day to Iwa-chan.” Oikawa bites his lower lip. “I really don’t want to bail on him.”

“But now we have Sawamura-senpai, don’t we?” Akaashi says suddenly. He’s so quiet Daichi forgot he was there until his piercing gaze is focused on him. “Do you have any plans for Friday, senpai?”

“Huh… no, I guess. What are you talking about?”

“Ah, that’s right. Daichi-san doesn’t know,” Yamaguchi says. “There is going to be a meteor shower on Friday and we were hoping to record it and to make a cool video for the cultural festival. You know, to attract new members.”

Right. Of course they’re not talking about the fact that the volleyball club is going to regionals on that Friday. They’re talking about astronomy club stuff.

“I can edit the video later,” Yachi offers. “But asking Kuroo-san to do everything else on his own…”

“Well, it’s like Akaashi said, isn’t it?” Oikawa shrugs. “Sawamura can help him.”

As if Daichi can say no after all of this.

“Right. What do we have to do?”

“It’s not a big deal.” Kuroo shrugs. “We have to take a train, because the best spot to watch the meteor shower is kind of far from here, so we might come back home late. We just have to get it on video. And we have to be extra careful, because we’re going to use Yachan’s mom’s camera.”

“Sounds doable.”

Kuroo smirks again in that provocative manner. Daichi braces himself for the teasing, but Kuroo just turns to the telescope and starts adjusting it again. It occurs to Daichi that maybe – just maybe – Kuroo isn’t wearing that shit-eating grin 24/7 on purpose. Maybe that’s just the way he smiles. That would make him a little less obnoxious.

Only then Daichi frowns to himself in the dark, realizing that he just agreed to participate more in the club even though that was against his original plan.

Yachi has pulled a notebook from her backpack and Oikawa opened what looks like a star map – not the app, an actual paper map – and they started discussing what to see today. The whole thing seems pretty pointless. What is so great about finding stars anyway?

(The astronomy club just a temporary thing to get people to stop worrying about him.)

Everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves enough, though. Oikawa complains a lot, but he looks pretty into it. Akaashi, who is usually expressionless, mark things with a pencil on Oikawa’s map and his eyes sparkle with excitement whenever they locate a new star. Yamaguchi actually squeals in delight when he manages to find a star on his own. Yachi takes notes furiously and again Daichi is impressed by how organized her notebook is.

Kuroo insists on teaching Daichi how to use the telescope. Everyone show him how to read the map – and they seem so happy while they do it that Daichi ends up smiling at them a little as they discuss methods and different ways of saying the same thing – and how to find the stars in the sky.

They’re making actual, active efforts to help Daichi.

“There’s no way I can do that.” Daichi gapes at Kuroo.

“Of course there is,” Kuroo replies simply. “Oikawa does it. Anyone can do it.”

“Hey!”

Daichi tries it, because everyone insists.

And then he tries and fails to hold a gasp on the first time he looks through the telescope. He hears Yachi and Yamaguchi giggling softly, but he doesn’t mind, because he’s in awe. He doesn’t think he can describe the sight of the stars so up close. It was very different from looking at them with naked eye.

He turns to Kuroo to say something, but the words gets stuck in his throat when his eyes meet the other boy’s. Kuroo is smiling at him. There is still a hint of crookedness on the way his lips curl upwards and he still looks smug, but not in an annoying way. It’s more like he’s proud. And happy.

“Cool, isn’t it?” Kuroo asks.

Yes. It is really cool, Daichi realizes. It’s kind of fun.

(But how can he go play around watching starts after… after…)

The realization feels like someone just dropped a bucket of cold water on his head.

Daichi swallows hard and wordlessly gives the telescope back to Kuroo. For a moment, the other boy frowns, surprised. Daichi swallows hard, fearing Kuroo is going to ask if he’s okay or what his problem is.

However, if Kuroo notices his discomfort, he pretends he doesn’t. Instead, he turns to Akaashi and quickly asks something related to the map. It is almost as if Kuroo had noticed both Daichi’s sudden sorrow and his need to not draw attention to it and he kindly took everyone’s attention elsewhere.

It can’t be, right? Daichi did figure Kuroo is the cunning type, but he isn’t that observant is he? The mere idea of someone being this considerate makes a knot appear in his throat.

He finds difficult to focus on the conversation after that. Daichi knows he's being ridiculous. Chances are no one noticed anything and they're just acting normally. But even if that's the case, everyone has been nothing if not kind to him. They didn't question more than once his reasons. They tried to make him feel welcome. Every single one of them is making effort to make sure this grumpy boy that appeared out of the blue feels included and comfortable.

The idea of good people shouldn't make Daichi want to cry. It's not like he doesn't have people who care about him. He does. More than he deserves even. But receiving kindness from people he barely knows makes him think of Ikejiri. It makes him wonder if things would be different if Ikejiri had met these people. If Daichi had done anything different. He bites his tongue hard and looks up, trying his best to clear his mind. _Not here. I can break down when I'm alone. At least here, when I'm in public, I need to control myself._

After what it feels like minutes or years, a calm voice calls from afar:

“Yamaguchi. Yachi-san.”

A lanky teenager with glasses glares at them from a couple of meters ahead.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi yelps as Yachi jumps to her feet.

“Tsukki is here already?” Kuroo frowns and checks his phone. “Oh, shoot, it’s late! I guess we should call it a night.”

Yachi and Yamaguchi quickly gather their things and say good bye before running to the boy who is obviously waiting for them. Kuroo waves at the boy, but only gets an annoyed look back, what seems to entertain him.

“Hey, Sawamura! Come here,” Oikawa whispers conspiratorially and, when Daichi approaches him, he asks, “What do you think is their relationship?”

“What?”

“Yacchan, Yamaguchi and Megane-kun, of course. Kuroo and I have a bet and everything. You wanna join?”

“What the hell are you talking about, Oikawa?”

“Like I was saying,” Oikawa huffs impatiently, “that is Tsukishima-kun. Every time we meet to watch the stars, he comes to pick up Yacchan and Yamaguchi. I think he’s Yacchan’s boyfriend. Kurocchi thinks he’s Yamaguchi’s boyfriend. And then there is Akaashi.”

Akaashi deadpans, “I _know_ Tsukishima is both Yachi-san’s and Yamaguchi’s boyfriend.”

“Right,” Kuroo amends as he puts away his telescope. “We are going to ask what they are for each other on graduation day. The losers have to buy cake for the winner.”

“That… that’s nonsense.” Daichi scowls. “They are probably just neighbors.”

“Sawamura is no fun.” Oikawa sighs. “Kei-chan, you write that down. Sawamura bets they are just neighbors.”

“You got it.”

“I didn’t bet anything!”

“Don’t be such a kill joy.” Kuroo pats his shoulder. “By the way do you live far from here? How are you going home?”

“Huh? I walked here. I live nearby.”

“Is that so? I’m walking Akaashi home. I can walk you too.”

Daichi stares at him. Really stares, waiting to see any sign of mockery or teasing. Apparently there is none. Daichi can’t help the startled chuckle he lets out, because he’s never been offered to be walked home even before he grew up to be a bulky teenager with more muscle than many adults he knows. Kuroo looks serious, though, so he answers:

“I’m going to be fine, so… huh… no, thank you?”

“Okay.” Kuroo then turns to Oikawa. “What about you?”

“Iwa-chan is waiting for me at McDonalds.” Oikawa rolls his eyes. “You do realize that you’re also just a teenager and not our dad, right?”

“I’m the president—”

 “Yeah, yeah, whatever, Kurocchi.” Oikawa dismisses him with a hand wave. “Be careful on your way home too.”

After that, Kuroo and Akaashi head one way and Oikawa another. To Daichi’s surprise, Akaashi seems to be talking quite a lot as he and Kuroo walk away. He guesses he’ll have to rethink his first impression of everyone in his new club.

Especially Kuroo Tetsurou.

 

 

“So… I heard you joined the astronomy club,” Suga says.

Daichi sighs. He was wondering when that was going to be brought up. Suga has arrived a couple of minutes earlier and he just dropped on Daichi’s bed and pulled a manga from his backpack. Daichi pretended his friend wasn’t there until then, but apparently Suga got tired of being ignored.

“What about it?”

“How are you liking it so far?”

“It’s a waste of time and the president of the club is weird.”

He’s not being fair. It’s true that their after class activities aren’t that impressive – they just sit in the club room and talk about space and read and discuss books about it while Oikawa and Kuroo bicker and Akaashi makes tea – but he was pretty awestruck when he first used the telescope. And Kuroo is not as insufferable as he seems at first. He is patient and it almost looks like he’s constantly worrying for everyone in the club (though he is pretty annoying when he teams up with Oikawa.)

“You’re so grumpy.” Suga rolls his eyes. “Are you telling me you didn’t enjoy your week with them not even a bit?”

Daichi stops pretending his working on his history essay and turns on his chair to face Suga. In response, Suga stops pretending he’s reading manga and sits up to properly look at him.

“Why did you want me to join the astronomy club?”

Suga shrugs. “I thought you could use some new friends.”

Daichi’s stomach drops and he feels irrational fury building up inside him.

“ _New_ friends?” He hisses and Suga startles at his tone. “You… You think I could ever replace—”

“Oh my God! No!” Suga looks horrified. “Daichi, of course not! Who do you think we are? There’s no way we’d think something that horrible!”

Daichi knows that. He knows Suga and he knows Asahi. He knows that they’re the best people he would ever meet and that anything they do for him is on his best behalf. Rationally, Daichi knows that Suga and Asahi have been working hard to get him to snap out of whatever he’s going through, because they’re good friends. Daichi knows all of that, but lately he seems to be fucking up everything without even trying. He’s pushing his friends away, refusing their help. And it’s like he’s watching a train wreck and he can’t do anything besides stare in horror as he ruins every friendship he’s ever had and ungratefully refuses to be helped.

( _Because he, too, was a good friend once and yet he failed miserably_ , says a small voice in his brain _. So why bother? Why not just let everything go to waste? He should be alone. He deserves to be alone.)_

“What I meant is that you could use a break. You know, if you keep hanging out with the same people, the memories would keep coming back and…”

“You want me to forget.”

“Yes! I mean, no! It’s just…” Suga sighs. “Not forget, Daichi, I want you to move on. It was not your fault. You have to put your life on track again.”

Daichi doesn’t answer, his jaw clenched. Suga looks sad.

“Look, you know we just want you to get better.”

He knows it. He knows it and he feels awful about it, because he knows there is a part of him that doesn’t want to get better. A part that doesn’t think he deserves anything better. And maybe that's why he's been being such a dick.

“We pushed you to the astronomy club because we thought a new start would be good and Iwaizumi told us wonderful things about them, so…”

“Iwaizumi?” Daichi frowns.

Iwaizumi was another club mate and their – no, not _their_ , the _volleyball team’s_ – current ace. While they were in good terms, Daichi was never close to him.

“Huh, yeah. When Asahi and I were talking about something to keep your busy and Iwaizumi overheard us…?”

“Great. So the whole team is involved in this.”

“No! Though everyone in the team do want to make sure you’re okay, it’s not like that. The thing is Iwaizumi told us about his boyfriend’s club and…”

“His boyfriend’s?”

“Yeah. Oikawa? God, Daichi do you ever pay attention to anyone around you?”

Now that Suga mentions it, Daichi thinks he saw Oikawa watching some of their games… And Oikawa does mention one Iwa-chan pretty often…(To be fair, Iwaizumi doesn’t fit the cute nickname at all.)

“Oh.”

“Christ.” Suga laughs. “I forgot how bad you are at reading the other’s feelings.”

Daichi turns around, not wanting Suga to see his face. That’s right. He’s bad and dense. That was part of the bigger problem.

“Daichi?”

He knows what Suga is going to say if he tries to explain what he's feeling. He's going to say that it's not his fault. Why does everyone keep saying that? It wasn’t, of course, but he could have done something. He could have stopped it. If he was more capable, if he had watched closer, if he hadn’t ignored the signs… Ikejiri could still be with them. Michimiya could be okay.

“It wasn’t my fault. It might as well have been, though.”

“Daichi…”

“Suga, I’m sorry, but can you go home?”

Silence follows after that. Daichi doesn’t turn around again, but he guesses Suga’s expression mirrors Asahi’s earlier on that week: he’s giving up on Daichi, too, he’s sure. He wants to beg him not to, he really does. But he has no right to ask for such a thing, since he’s being so terrible lately. And because he doesn’t deserve any comfort.

“If you change your mind, just call me,” Suga says and he gets up to leave.

Daichi hears it when his friend leaves and closes the door after himself, leaving Daichi alone.

 

In silence, Daichi stares at the ceiling, trying his best to name the turmoil of emotion inside of him. He's alone. Didn't he want to be alone? 

(No, he doesn't.)

(And that's when he realizes he has to do something.)


End file.
